Forge News: 360 to Break Ford’s Product Failure Record
“Our dedication and team effort finally pays off!”
April 15, 2009
REDMOND, WA – Excitement is in the air at Microsoft as the technology giant’s famed Xbox 360 gaming console approaches another milestone. By 11:59PM today, the company predicts to achieve its billionth product failure, shattering Ford Motor Company’s long standing record, and ensuring a spot in annals of history.
Shane Kim, Microsoft Game Studios Vice President, rejoices; “Our dedication and team effort finally pays off!” His audience; a large, vital group of customer service agents, are gathered closely around the VP in the dreary, dark, dank Flextronics call center that handles all of Xbox 360 customer complaints. Continuing his inspirational speech to the teary-eyed bunch, he laments that “No one believed our young team could match Ford’s historical line up, but tonight we take home the trophy and relish in the fact that our failure is unmatched. We are champions!”
Michael Delman, Microsoft’s Vice President of Global Marketing, was also in attendance and took a couple minutes to discuss this momentous occasion with Forge News. He commented that “It is truly amazing that the Xbox 360 has been able to achieve this in less than four years.” The Xbox 360 was released in the fall of 2005 and immediately began its race to this point with a product failure rate many experts (Forge News included) predicted to be around 3300%. Delman continued his praises by noting “...they [Ford Motor Company] have had a legacy line up of products. In the 70’s they had Pinto, who was just an explosive player that significantly padded their stats. But we caught up.” The VP continued, “Then the 90’s began the era of ‘Flippy’ Explorer and Ford was sent into the stratosphere. But now we’re higher.”
Now all we need to do is endorse cheap 'Lite' piss water.
It is not exactly understood how Microsoft achieved one billion product failures with only an estimated 30 million units sold to consumers. A spokesperson for the Corporate Competition Committee has vowed to look into the perceived discrepancy. The prevailing theory is that Ford Motor Company just did not have an answer to Microsoft’s two-pronged attack. “Microsoft played it smart by first unleashing the innovative "Red Ring of Death" play and then phasing in the more balanced and sinister E74 strategy. There really weren't many options for Ford at that point--they were pinned down and no amount of bailout money could help them [Ford Motor Company] out of the deficit” opined the CCC spokesperson.
The CCC has confirmed to Forge News that Microsoft will not receive certification for this record until their investigation is complete. But this does not have Team Xbox 360 scared as they continue to answer the constant barrage of costumer complaint calls originating from young Halo-tots to the likes of esteemed dictator Cobra Commander. “I never imagined that this could happen. I mean…Ford had Pinto, which was known for exploding on contact…I wondered how we could match that...but when reports came in that the 360 was burning down houses, I knew that the championship was in reach,” commented one team member. However, looking to the future, he continued, “Now that we are a record setting organization, the onus is on us to continue playing as champions and we promise to keep delivering the failure.”
*Forge News is a satire feature that the Vgchartz editorial team is happy to present. These pieces will be strictly written as good humor, sarcasm, and satire of everything video game related. They do not represent our views and opinions of anyone or any company that will be written about. It is our sincere desire that our readers will enjoy this new creative feature for what it is and not read any deeper meaning of bias into it.
